You lie awake in your bed and you know today has the potential of being the day you’ve dreaded since it happened.
A strained day, because it’s the birthday of the loved one who wrote you an email saying “you are dead to me”. Even before getting out of bed this weighs heavily on your mind, as do all the memories and the arguments you had. But that email. How do you move past the email?
You think to yourself, you should acknowledge them, “it’s the right thing to do”…. Perhaps send a Facebook message, “It’s only Facebook, It doesn’t have to be personal. Facebook is the perfect buffer. No big deal, they are still your family, they are blood, blood is thicker than water, you only have one family.” Right?! Most importantly, I could be the bigger person.
Even before you take your first cup of coffee you grab your computer before you change your mind. You look them up, feeling a mixture of dread and mixed emotions you notice you can’t find them on your friend list. Confused, you wonder did they take themselves off Facebook? You assume that they must be too upset since your fight also to celebrate their own birthday. You have another family member check their page and they are still on there. OH! That’s strange, there must have been a glitch with your computer you say out loud.
You go back to your page and they are still not there….
In that moment you realize you have Been Unfriended, Blocked and DELETED from their life. You feel as though you are being stung by a swarm of bees. Ouch! A Facebook Block does in fact sting.
You’re too numb to speak. You pinch yourself, you are alive but can’t feel a thing. You feel as though you are the walking dead. You spend the rest of the day blaming yourself. “What is wrong with me?” The shame (it’s all my fault, I am a horrible person), the embarrassment (what will people think of me)? The confusion (Am I really dead to this person? What do I do? ) Am I forgettable? All of these thoughts and feelings are being stirred in a boiling pot and it’s at the surface edge.
This is the story of the estrangement with my family member….
I know first hand the heartache, the shame, embarrassment, the pain that invades every cell of you body, occupying every thought you have, affecting all areas of your life. Becoming sick, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Giving the other person more power over you by believing that this is, in fact, all your fault. You join in on their bandwagon and beat yourself up, the pain runs deep. Feeling lost and disposable.
Estrangement can be a moment of personal transformation.
Although it doesn’t happen overnight, you can move beyond the heartache and fear you’ve been holding onto. I learned to get off the merry go round of self-doubt to an empowering place of acceptance. Learning to let go of judgments and blame towards them and especially myself happens when you give yourself permission to feel every emotion around this situation. When you give yourself permission to feel, healing opportunities and lessons naturally present themselves. It allowed me to recognize my co-creation in the breakdown of the relationship and still be mindful that the relationship is not how I wished it to be. Although I may not have this person in my life now or possibly in the future, now it no longer consumes my day-to-day life negatively.
The journey to move beyond the break and the pain of the estrangement can seem overwhelming and arduous. Finding wisdom along the path towards acceptance can give you the strength and the confidence to keep moving forward. The burden of the relationship doesn’t need to control you any longer and define you as a person. By building a solid relationship with yourself first is the only way to gain confidence, set boundaries and take control of your life.
You no longer need to be directed by the voice of fear around the “what if’s” and “should haves” of the other person. Are you ready to find acceptance and heal?
Begin today with these simple steps:
(1) Take a deep Breath and ask yourself, “How do I feel about myself in this moment?”
(2) Allow whatever you hear to just land, sit with it… acknowledge that you are who you are for many reasons without judgment.
(3) If you are feeling negativity, simply allow it to be there and gently remind yourself that you are not your emotions. They are there simply to teach yourself more about you.
(4) If you hear yourself saying “I should get over it” or “He/She have done that” or any other “should” or “what if”, remind yourself that holding onto expectations will keep you from accepting what is.
Looking for support to move on from estrangement?
Beyond the Break – Estrangement Support Workshop opens for registration next week! Join me live (in South Florida) or on-line for this breakthrough workshop! No more suffering alone. Join others and get valuable skills to move beyond the break!